Her eyes focused on the needle lying on the coffee table. Powder laid in thick masses all over the glass as if mocking her, daring her to try some of it. The pain had gotten to be too much at times. ‘Desensitize yourself from the pain’ a voice screamed in her mind. The thought of making her mind melt away into some sort of a haze, the pain going with it, seemed all too inviting at that moment. She had never felt so alone in life as she did within that period. She looked around the room with heavy eyes. People lied passed out and slumped against chairs, the walls, some lying on the floor in their own vomit. She sighed shakily and cupped her hands around her nose and mouth just under her eyes. She fought back the tears as her chest rose and fell shakily. She had never touched drugs and never had the want to. She had even prided herself in it, having come from such a cesspool of drugs, murder and alcohol to not touch any of it. Only to find herself teetering on some sort of brink to drugs to ease just the pain. She stood up and walked away from the couch stepping around the unconscious forms of those who fell to the inviting pull of their escape. She walked into a small, piss colored tile of a dimly lit bathroom. She shut the door behind her and locked it. She turned and looked into the cracked mirror that hung crookedly over the stained sink. Dark circles hung just below eyes that appeared solid black and sunken in. She didn’t recognize herself anymore; it all seemed to just meld into itself. Her skin, eyes, nose, mouth, eyebrows, ears, flesh; it was all in just a mess. None of it made sense to her anymore. She didn’t want to resort to drugs even though her mind was the one that was torturing her, her memories and everything that functioned from the brain it was the last thing she wanted to ruin.
She prided herself on her own intelligence, she knew she didn’t act like she had the brains but deep down underneath it all how she had survived in life was all due to her wits. She fished around in her pocket until she found what she was looking for. She pulled out the butterfly knife that she carried around in her pocket. The hilt was a mix between pearl and quartz glinting in the light of the bathroom. She moved the clasp aside and slowly pulled the blade out. She released the breath that she had seized in her chest as she had been opening it. Her eyes focused once more at the stranger in front of the cracked glass, the person who seemed quite inhuman now. She looked down at her arm unbutton the cuff of her black blouse. She pulled the long sleeve up and away from the soft cream-hued skin. Funny her skin was quite flawless on this arm and it screamed disgusting to her. She drew the blade up against her upper arm feeling the cold steel against it. She squeezed her eyes shut and slowly dragged the sharp edge against the flawless skin. She felt sharp pain but it was mixed with great release from inside of her. Tears fell from her empty eyes and she coughed trying to choke her sob down. Why was she resorting to this? She could ask herself a million questions. Why did she go down this road for a profession? Why did she choose that specific mission? Why did she hide from her childhood? Why did she love a man who was incapable of giving her a life she deserved?
The blood ran down her arm, dripping over the tips of her fingers. She focused back on the cracked mirror in front of her and screamed unintelligible words at it. She slapped at it with the blood covered hand streaking crimson across it. She dropped the knife onto the sink and leaned her body against the door. She felt incredibly weight in her legs and just let her body slide down to the tile. She watched the blood drip as if mesmerized by it. The pain had subsided for just a little while but it seemed to return just the same and she felt alone again. Her eyes fluttered up to the light fixture that hung in the center of the tiny bathroom as it began to buzz obnoxiously. Then the light went out.